Moon-Face and Other Stories Page 3

  “But the local color?” I prodded him.

  “That’s right,” he replied. “Keep me in the running. Well, I took my handful of copy paper down to the railroad yards (for local color), dangled my legs from a side-door Pullman, which is another name for a box-car, and ran off the stuff. Of course I made it clever and brilliant and all that, with my little unanswerable slings at the state and my social paradoxes, and withal made it concrete enough to dissatisfy the average citizen.

  “From the tramp standpoint, the constabulary of the township was particularly rotten, and I proceeded to open the eyes of the good people. It is a proposition, mathematically demonstrable, that it costs the community more to arrest, convict, and confine its tramps in jail, than to send them as guests, for like periods of time, to the best hotel. And this I developed, giving the facts and figures, the constable fees and the mileage, and the court and jail expenses. Oh, it was convincing, and it was true; and I did it in a lightly humorous fashion which fetched the laugh and left the sting. The main objection to the system, I contended, was the defraudment and robbery of the tramp. The good money which the community paid out for him should enable him to riot in luxury instead of rotting in dungeons. I even drew the figures so fine as to permit him not only to live in the best hotel but to smoke two twenty-five-cent cigars and indulge in a tencent shine each day, and still not cost the taxpayers so much as they were accustomed to pay for his conviction and jail entertainment. And, as subsequent events proved, it made the taxpayers wince.

  “One of the constables I drew to the life; nor did I forget a certain Sol Glenhart, as rotten a police judge as was to be found between the seas. And this I say out of a vast experience. While he was notorious in local trampdom, his civic sins were not only not unknown but a crying reproach to the townspeople. Of course I refrained from mentioning name or habitat, drawing the picture in an impersonal, composite sort of way, which none the less blinded no one to the faithfulness of the local color.

  “Naturally, myself a tramp, the tenor of the article was a protest against the maltreatment of the tramp. Cutting the taxpayers to the pits of their purses threw them open to sentiment, and then in I tossed the sentiment, lumps and chunks of it. Trust me, it was excellently done, and the rhetoric—say I Just listen to the tail of my peroration:

  “‘So, as we go mooching along the drag, with a sharp lamp out for John Law, we cannot help remembering that we are beyond the pale; that our ways are not their ways; and that the ways of John Law with us are different from his ways with other men. Poor lost souls, wailing for a crust in the dark, we know full well our helplessness and ignominy. And well may we repeat after a stricken brother over-seas: “Our pride it is to know no spur of pride.” Man has forgotten us; God has forgotten us; only are we remembered by the harpies of justice, who prey upon our distress and coin our sighs and tears into bright shining dollars.’

  “Incidentally, my picture of Sol Glenhart, the police judge, was good. A striking likeness, and unmistakable, with phrases tripping along like this: ‘This crook-nosed, gross-bodied harpy’; ‘this civic sinner, this judicial highwayman’; ‘possessing the morals of the Tenderloin and an honor which thieves’ honor puts to shame’; ‘who compounds criminality with shyster-sharks, and in atonement railroads the unfortunate and impecunious to rotting cells,’—and so forth and so forth, style sophomoric and devoid of the dignity and tone one would employ in a dissertation on ‘Surplus Value,’ or ‘The Fallacies of Marxism,’ but just the stuff the dear public likes.

  “‘Humph!’ grunted Spargo when I put the copy in his fist. ‘Swift gait you strike, my man.’

  “I fixed a hypnotic eye on his vest pocket, and he passed out one of his superior cigars, which I burned while he ran through the stuff. Twice or thrice he looked over the top of the paper at me, searchingly, but said nothing till he had finished.

  “‘Where’d you work, you pencil-pusher?’ he asked.

  “‘My maiden effort,’ I simpered modestly, scraping one foot and faintly simulating embarrassment.

  “‘Maiden hell! What salary do you want?’

  “‘Nay, nay,’ I answered. ‘No salary in mine, thank you most to death. I am a free down-trodden American citizen, and no man shall say my time is his.’

  “‘Save John Law,’ he chuckled.

  “‘Save John Law,’ said I.

  “‘How did you know I was bucking the police department?’ he demanded abruptly.

  “‘I didn’t know, but I knew you were in training,’ I answered. ‘Yesterday morning a charitably inclined female presented me with three biscuits, a piece of cheese, and a funereal slab of chocolate cake, all wrapped in the current CLARION, wherein I noted an unholy glee because the COWBELL’s candidate for chief of police had been turned down. Likewise I learned the municipal election was at hand, and put two and two together. Another mayor, and the right kind, means new police commissioners; new police commissioners means new chief of police; new chief of police. means COWBELL’s candidate; ergo, your turn to play.’

  “He stood up, shook my hand, and emptied his plethoric vest pocket. I put them away and puffed on the old one.

  “‘You’ll do,’ he jubilated. ‘This stuff’ (patting my copy) ‘is the first gun of the campaign. You’ll touch off many another before we’re done. I’ve been looking for you for years. Come on in on the editorial.’

  “But I shook my head.

  “‘Come, now!’ he admonished sharply. ‘No shenanagan! The COWBELL must have you. It hungers for you, craves after you, won’t be happy till it gets you. What say?’

  “In short, he wrestled with me, but I was bricks, and at the end of half an hour the only Spargo gave it up.

  “‘Remember,’ he said, ‘any time you reconsider, I’m open. No matter where you are, wire me and I’ll send the ducats to come on at once.’

  “I thanked him, and asked the pay for my copy—DOPE, he called it.

  “‘Oh, regular routine,’ he said. ‘Get it the first Thursday after publication.’

  “‘Then I’ll have to trouble you for a few scad until—’

  “He looked at me and smiled. ‘Better cough up, eh?’

  “‘Sure,’ I said. ‘Nobody to identify me, so make it cash.’

  “And cash it was made, thirty PLUNKS (a plunk is a dollar, my dear Anak), and I pulled my freight … eh?—oh, departed.

  “‘Pale youth,’ I said to Cerberus, ‘I am bounced.’ (He grinned with pallid joy.) ‘And in token of the sincere esteem I bear you, receive this little—’ (His eyes flushed and he threw up one hand, swiftly, to guard his head from the expected blow)—‘this little memento.’

  “I had intended to slip a fiver into his hand, but for all his surprise, he was too quick for me.

  “‘Aw, keep yer dirt,’ he snarled.

  “‘I like you still better,’ I said, adding a second fiver. ‘You grow perfect. But you must take it.’

  “He backed away growling, but I caught him round the neck, roughed what little wind he had out of him, and left him doubled up with the two fives in his pocket. But hardly had the elevator started, when the two coins tinkled on the roof and fell down between the car and the shaft. As luck had it, the door was not closed, and I put out my hand and caught them. The elevator boy’s eyes bulged.

  “‘It’s a way I have,’ I said, pocketing them.

  “‘Some bloke’s dropped ‘em down the shaft,’ he whispered, awed by the circumstance.

  “‘It stands to reason,’ said I.

  “‘I’ll take charge of ‘em,’ he volunteered.

  “‘Nonsense!’

  “‘You’d better turn ‘em over,’ he threatened, ‘or I stop the works.’

  “‘Pshaw!’

  “And stop he did, between floors.

  “‘Young man,’ I said, ‘have you a mother?’ (He looked serious, as though regretting his act! and further to impress him I rolled up my right sleeve with greatest care.) ‘Are you prepared to die?’ (I got a stealthy
crouch on, and put a cat-foot forward.) ‘But a minute, a brief minute, stands between you and eternity.’ (Here I crooked my right hand into a claw and slid the other foot up.) ‘Young man, young man,’ I trumpeted, ‘in thirty seconds I shall tear your heart dripping from your bosom and stoop to hear you shriek in hell.’

  “It fetched him. He gave one whoop, the car shot down, and I was on the drag. You see, Anak, it’s a habit I can’t shake off of leaving vivid memories behind. No one ever forgets me.

  “I had not got to the corner when I heard a familiar voice at my shoulder:

  “‘Hello, Cinders! Which way?’

  “It was Chi Slim, who had been with me once when I was thrown off a freight in Jacksonville. ‘Couldn’t see ‘em fer cinders,’ he described it, and the MONICA stuck by me…. Monica? From MONOS. The tramp nickname.

  “‘Bound south,’ I answered. ‘And how’s Slim?’

  “‘Bum. Bulls is horstile.’

  “‘Where’s the push?’

  “‘At the hang-out. I’ll put you wise.’

  “‘Who’s the main guy?’

  “‘Me, and don’t yer ferget it.’”

  The lingo was rippling from Leith’s lips, but perforce I stopped him. “Pray translate. Remember, I am a foreigner.”

  “Certainly,” he answered cheerfully. “Slim is in poor luck. BULL means policeman. He tells me the bulls are hostile. I ask where the PUSH is, the gang he travels with. By PUTTING ME WISE he will direct me to where the gang is hanging out. The MAIN GUY is the leader. Slim claims that distinction.

  “Slim and I hiked out to a neck of woods just beyond town, and there was the push, a score of husky hobos, charmingly located on the bank of a little purling stream.

  “‘Come on, you mugs!’ Slim addressed them. ‘Throw yer feet! Here’s Cinders, an’ we must do ‘em proud.’

  “All of which signifies that the hobos had better strike out and do some lively begging in order to get the wherewithal to celebrate my return to the fold after a year’s separation. But I flashed my dough and Slim sent several of the younger men off to buy the booze. Take my word for it, Anak, it was a blow-out memorable in Trampdom to this day. It’s amazing the quantity of booze thirty plunks will buy, and it is equally amazing the quantity of booze outside of which twenty stiffs will get. Beer and cheap wine made up the card, with alcohol thrown in for the BLOWD-IN-THE-GLASS stiffs. It was great—an orgy under the sky, a contest of beaker-men, a study in primitive beastliness. To me there is something fascinating in a drunken man, and were I a college president I should institute P.G. psychology courses in practical drunkenness. It would beat the books and compete with the laboratory.

  “All of which is neither here nor there, for after sixteen hours of it, early next morning, the whole push was COPPED by an overwhelming array of constables and carted off to jail. After breakfast, about ten o’clock, we were lined upstairs into court, limp and spiritless, the twenty of us. And there, under his purple panoply, nose crooked like a Napoleonic eagle and eyes glittering and beady, sat Sol Glenhart.

  “‘John Ambrose!’ the clerk called out, and Chi Slim, with the ease of long practice, stood up.

  “‘Vagrant, your Honor,’ the bailiff volunteered, and his Honor, not deigning to look at the prisoner, snapped,‘Ten days,’ and Chi Slim sat down.

  “And so it went, with the monotony of clockwork, fifteen seconds to the man, four men to the minute, the mugs bobbing up and down in turn like marionettes. The clerk called the name, the bailiff the offence, the judge the sentence, and the man sat down. That was all. Simple, eh? Superb!

  “Chi Slim nudged me. ‘Give’m a SPIEL, Cinders. You kin do it.’

  “I shook my head.

  “‘G’wan,’ he urged. ‘Give ‘m a ghost story The mugs’ll take it all right. And you kin throw yer feet fer tobacco for us till we get out.’

  “‘L. C. Randolph!’ the clerk called.

  “I stood up, but a hitch came in the proceedings. The clerk whispered to the judge, and the bailiff smiled.

  “‘You are a newspaper man, I understand, Mr. Randolph?’ his Honor remarked sweetly.

  “It took me by surprise, for I had forgotten the COWBELL in the excitement of succeeding events, and I now saw myself on the edge of the pit I had digged.

  “‘That’s yer GRAFT. Work it,’ Slim prompted.

  “‘It’s all over but the shouting,’ I groaned back, but Slim, unaware of the article, was puzzled.

  “‘Your Honor,’ I answered, ‘when I can get work, that is my occupation.’

  “‘You take quite an interest in local affairs, I see.’ (Here his Honor took up the morning’s COWBELL and ran his eye up and down a column I knew was mine.) ‘Color is good,’ he commented, an appreciative twinkle in his eyes; ‘pictures excellent, characterized by broad, Sargent-like effects. Now this … this judge you have depicted … you, ah, draw from life, I presume?’

  “‘Rarely, your I Honor,’ I answered. ‘Composites, ideals, rather … er, types, I may say.’

  “‘But you have color, sir, unmistakable color,’ he continued.

  “‘That is splashed on afterward,’ I explained.

  “‘This judge, then, is not modelled from life, as one might be led to believe?’

  “‘No, your Honor.’

  “‘Ah, I see, merely a type of judicial wickedness?’

  “‘Nay, more, your Honor,’ I said boldly, ‘an ideal.’

  “‘Splashed with local color afterward? Ha! Good! And may I venture to ask how much you received for this bit of work?’

  “‘Thirty dollars, your Honor.’

  “‘Hum, good!’ And his tone abruptly changed. ‘Young man, local color is a bad thing. I find you guilty of it and sentence you to thirty days’ imprisonment, or, at your pleasure, impose a fine of thirty dollars.’

  “‘Alas!’ said I, ‘I spent the thirty dollars in riotous living.’

  “‘And thirty days more for wasting your substance.’

  “‘Next case!’ said his Honor to the clerk.

  “Slim was stunned. ‘Gee!’ he whispered. ‘Gee the push gets ten days and you get sixty. Gee!’”

  Leith struck a match, lighted his dead cigar, and opened the book on his knees. “Returning to the original conversation, don’t you find, Anak, that though Loria handles the bipartition of the revenues with scrupulous care, he yet omits one important factor, namely—”

  “Yes,” I said absently; “yes.”

  AMATEUR NIGHT

  THE elevator boy smiled knowingly to him self. When he took her up, he had noted the sparkle in her eyes, the color in her cheeks. His little cage had quite warmed with the glow of her repressed eagerness. And now, on the down trip, it was glacier-like. The sparkle and the color were gone. She was frowning, and what little he could see of her eyes was cold and steel-gray. Oh, he knew the symptoms, he did. He was an observer, and he knew it, too, and some day, when he was big enough, he was going to be a reporter, sure. And in the meantime he studied the procession of life as it streamed up and down eighteen sky-scraper floors in his elevator car. He slid the door open for her sympathetically and watched her trip determinedly out into the street.

  There was a robustness in her carriage which came of the soil rather than of the city pavement. But it was a robustness in a finer than the wonted sense, a vigorous daintiness, it might be called, which gave an impression of virility with none of the womanly left out. It told of a heredity of seekers and fighters, of people that worked stoutly with head and hand, of ghosts that reached down out of the misty past and moulded and made her to be a doer of things.

  But she was a little angry, and a great deal hurt. “I can guess what you would tell me,” the editor had kindly but firmly interrupted her lengthy preamble in the long-looked-forward-to interview just ended. “And you have told me enough,” he had gone on (heartlessly, she was sure, as she went over the conversation in its freshness). “You have done no newspaper work. You are undrilled, undisciplined, un
hammered into shape. You have received a high-school education, and possibly topped it off with normal school or college. You have stood well in English. Your friends have all told you how cleverly you write, and how beautifully, and so forth and so forth. You think you can do newspaper work, and you want me to put you on. Well, I am sorry, but there are no openings. If you knew how crowded—”

  “But if there are no openings,” she had interrupted, in turn, “how did those who are in, get in? How am I to show that I am eligible to get in?”

  “They made themselves indispensable,” was the terse response. “Make yourself indispensable.”

  “But how can I, if I do not get the chance?”

  “Make your chance.”

  “But how?” she had insisted, at the same time privately deeming him a most unreasonable man.

  “How? That is your business, not mine,” he said conclusively, rising in token that the interview was at an end. “I must inform you, my dear young lady, that there have been at least eighteen other aspiring young ladies here this week, and that I have not the time to tell each and every one of them how. The function I perform on this paper is hardly that of instructor in a school of journalism.”

  She caught an outbound car, and ere she descended from it she had conned the conversation over and over again. “But how?” she repeated to herself, as she climbed the three flights of stairs to the rooms where she and her sister “bach’ed.” “But how?” And so she continued to put the interrogation, for the stubborn Scotch blood, though many times removed from Scottish soil, was still strong in her. And, further, there was need that she should learn how. Her sister Letty and she had come up from an interior town to the city to make their way in the world. John Wyman was land-poor. Disastrous business enterprises had burdened his acres and forced his two girls, Edna and Letty, into doing something for themselves. A year of school-teaching and of night-study of shorthand and typewriting had capitalized their city project and fitted them for the venture, which same venture was turning out anything but successful. The city seemed crowded with inexperienced stenographers and typewriters, and they had nothing but their own inexperience to offer. Edna’s secret ambition had been journalism; but she had planned a clerical position first, so that she might have time and space in which to determine where and on what line of journalism she would embark. But the clerical position had not been forthcoming, either for Letty or her, and day by day their little hoard dwindled, though the room rent remained normal and the stove consumed coal with undiminished voracity. And it was a slim little hoard by now.